Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

🦝🔥🦝🔥

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors