Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.