Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.