When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
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I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Can Happiness buy money?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
When you let grandma cat sit
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
my sentiments exactly
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.