When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Cat or sheep
Guantanamo Bae
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.