Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

True

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

Spotted in the wild

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

Every work meeting this week