Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

This is hilarious

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?