When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
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The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I wish all tests were things you peed on