When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
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January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
selfie game
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
wow he looks just like him
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.