Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

2022 be like

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs