Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Worth the read.

It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.

Cat: *knocks my drink off table*

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

Do ducks feel sad?

No, they feel “down”cast.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

Cake safety first. Always.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies