When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
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Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Bro what is this
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.