Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.