When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
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Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.