When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
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Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’