Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

😊🦆

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.