Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

When you put it that way… 😂

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

where the womens at?

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”