When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

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[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”


If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….



I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.


I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.


Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.


13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday


They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed


It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.