@heiditron3000

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

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@KeetPotato

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

@TheRealRobG

If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….

(sarcasm)

@biggspirit

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

@Book_Krazy

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

@StoneAgeRadio13

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

@MsTexas1967

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

@sofarrsogud

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.