Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

The “baby” on the left….

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers