When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
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The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Krampus.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*