When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
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*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Nice try Hitler
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock