Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

me logging onto twitter

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

it’s not been my year

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it