Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

*pouring wine over ice cream*

No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro