Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…