When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
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You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
You better watch out
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*