When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
You Might Also Like
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.