When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
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My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
when mom throws a party…
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.