When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
You Might Also Like
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
OMG 🤣🤣
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
They’re the worst 😩
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston