When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
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“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Your secret is safeish with me
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Meow
