When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
You Might Also Like
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
🙋♀️
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12