Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

can’t wait til they legalize outside

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

respect

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.