When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
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11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.