Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

do what now??

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore