When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
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I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.