When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
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*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
constantly working on myself.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
smartest karate player in the world
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.