Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…