Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

There’s never enough good news

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.