When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
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Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Word!
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.