@copymama

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

You Might Also Like

@YourKyness

Some guy commented on my all-black outfit today: “So whose funeral is it?”
I told him I haven decided yet.

@schmittsteve

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

@Moldy_Jellybean

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

@Deno_Tron

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

@FunnyBison

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

@Eden_Eats

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

@craiguito

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

@HeatherAntos

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black