When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

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Some guy commented on my all-black outfit today: “So whose funeral is it?”
I told him I haven decided yet.


[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol


My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.


I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard


BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*


I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.


[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”


Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black