Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

What even happened today?

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.