Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.