Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

Good news

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*