Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end