Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster