When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
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Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway