Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.