Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

Big Sex has us all fooled

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.