When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
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wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!