When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
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Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…