Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better