When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
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Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Welcome to the stomach
Saturday
