When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
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Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.