When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
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“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Mornin
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”