Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

I love the honesty

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

☺️

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened