Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

Oh my god

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.