Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

🤭

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

watching gymnastics

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

me logging onto twitter

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

early stone age tool

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.