When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
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This made me chuckle.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.