When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
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Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
…u ok Nintendo?
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Here to help
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.