When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
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Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
What’s a Messi?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*