When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
![]()
You Might Also Like
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
![]()
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.