When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments