When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
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when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I love people with self awareness, so yes I hate 98% of you.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
It’s a gift
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
In space, no one can hear…
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.