When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
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Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.