When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
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My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.