When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
You Might Also Like
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.