When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
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new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I triple waxed for this?
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
see next tweet for some translations
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.