When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
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[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.