When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
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When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan