Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“what that mouth do?” complain

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Woke up against my better judgment again

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.