When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
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I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
