Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

I love you…

…r dog.

☺️

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick