Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.