Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

everyone has that one prude friend

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like